Mallu wedding receptions can be strange places to have a quarter life crisis, but it's inevitable. Your decision to attend makes you question your sanity and your social standing or the serious lack thereof. You can be sure your Catwalk heels and Swarovski set and your designer silks will stick out sorer than a chocolate stain on the seat of your favourite stark white booty shorts.
The pointless drivel , taste in music or total lack thereof , tacky seats , terrible lighting and the diabetes inducing food to say nothing of the generic smiles and that pervy photographer bent on catching your most unflattering poses , usually mid burp or if your especially "lucky" , while you're nodding off during the endlessly stretching pointless ceremony.Your life is at peril from the kids running around faster than the runny gravy dripping onto your plate. The hall smells like the malodorous love child of a dissection hall and a boys washroom.
The waiters eye you up and take peeks at your chest when they think you aren't looking ( which you Notice). Every adult is a senior citizen or a parent , most likely you're the only teen in a sea of hyperactive toddlers. You're dying a slow death of boredom if your stilettos aren't doing the job.Every time you swear is the last yet you find yourself attending the next.If the people get better the food gets worse and vice versa.
You're probably related to half the crowd and you don't know it , so Please Don't pick up strangers , if you're a Mallu at a Mallu wedding. If you're of the right age and have all the right boxes checked off , this wedding could be succeeded by your own . The Horror. Another Mallu wedding and this time your own.
You can find everyone except for the groom and the bride , sighting the supposedly lucky couple is as likely as the survival chances of the last beer at your dad's college reunion bash.If you get through this , the lack of a working phone reception will ensure you won't. If you feel any self harming urges or contemplate suicide , don't be alarmed (in this specific case) and don't dial that hotline that they tell you to , just leave the reception and it'll go away. Like poof. Gone.
Taking selfies will earn you the same stares you would be getting if you were doing head stands and cartwheels in the aisle of a low budget( if you're a Mallu you only fly low budget flights economy , don't even pretend otherwise).
Mallu weddings will probably kill every thought of marriage if your family doesn't ( no one wants to be like their Mallu family , 50 years from now , but it happens anyway and you won't even know , good luck sleeping tonight).
If you're lucky , like gold at the end of the rainbow lucky , and an exception, you may have an epiphany , as unlikely as it sounds , and decide to do something with your life and quit your job and start scuba diving in Bali and all that YOLO Jazz or even start that acapella band you wanted to start after watching Pitch Perfect , if you're a Mallu you probably don't know what that is , so don't bother.
If the top of that light starts smoking mid photo shoot , it's not a compliment to your looks , it's pretty common so don't bother worrying either.
Single and cute guys at Mallu weddings are like the last ice cream scoop at your break up moviethon unless you count the ones in diapers or in school.
The buffet at the end of the hall is like the light at the end of the dank long tunnel which is totally a metaphor for the reception- only till you taste it. Then it's as disappointing as the rest or probably more.
Calling it a celebration is oxymoronic.It's the demise of singledom . Welcome to the end of your life . My condolences , if you're a bride and reading this.
The pointless drivel , taste in music or total lack thereof , tacky seats , terrible lighting and the diabetes inducing food to say nothing of the generic smiles and that pervy photographer bent on catching your most unflattering poses , usually mid burp or if your especially "lucky" , while you're nodding off during the endlessly stretching pointless ceremony.Your life is at peril from the kids running around faster than the runny gravy dripping onto your plate. The hall smells like the malodorous love child of a dissection hall and a boys washroom.
The waiters eye you up and take peeks at your chest when they think you aren't looking ( which you Notice). Every adult is a senior citizen or a parent , most likely you're the only teen in a sea of hyperactive toddlers. You're dying a slow death of boredom if your stilettos aren't doing the job.Every time you swear is the last yet you find yourself attending the next.If the people get better the food gets worse and vice versa.
You're probably related to half the crowd and you don't know it , so Please Don't pick up strangers , if you're a Mallu at a Mallu wedding. If you're of the right age and have all the right boxes checked off , this wedding could be succeeded by your own . The Horror. Another Mallu wedding and this time your own.
You can find everyone except for the groom and the bride , sighting the supposedly lucky couple is as likely as the survival chances of the last beer at your dad's college reunion bash.If you get through this , the lack of a working phone reception will ensure you won't. If you feel any self harming urges or contemplate suicide , don't be alarmed (in this specific case) and don't dial that hotline that they tell you to , just leave the reception and it'll go away. Like poof. Gone.
Taking selfies will earn you the same stares you would be getting if you were doing head stands and cartwheels in the aisle of a low budget( if you're a Mallu you only fly low budget flights economy , don't even pretend otherwise).
Mallu weddings will probably kill every thought of marriage if your family doesn't ( no one wants to be like their Mallu family , 50 years from now , but it happens anyway and you won't even know , good luck sleeping tonight).
If you're lucky , like gold at the end of the rainbow lucky , and an exception, you may have an epiphany , as unlikely as it sounds , and decide to do something with your life and quit your job and start scuba diving in Bali and all that YOLO Jazz or even start that acapella band you wanted to start after watching Pitch Perfect , if you're a Mallu you probably don't know what that is , so don't bother.
If the top of that light starts smoking mid photo shoot , it's not a compliment to your looks , it's pretty common so don't bother worrying either.
Single and cute guys at Mallu weddings are like the last ice cream scoop at your break up moviethon unless you count the ones in diapers or in school.
The buffet at the end of the hall is like the light at the end of the dank long tunnel which is totally a metaphor for the reception- only till you taste it. Then it's as disappointing as the rest or probably more.
Calling it a celebration is oxymoronic.It's the demise of singledom . Welcome to the end of your life . My condolences , if you're a bride and reading this.
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